How Not to Travel Across the Outback

December 8, 2009 · 15 comments

Pull a wheely in your car to uppercut the Kangaroo

Pull a wheelie in your car to uppercut the Kangaroo

Here are some tips for getting yourself across Australia in an unsafe and stupid manner:

  • Kangaroo’s are only active during the day, so to avoid hitting one, it’s best to only drive at night, dusk and dawn.
  • If you come across a snake (Australia has all 10 of the worlds most poisonous) stamp your feet either side of it’s head, this has a calming effect on the snake, and it’ll leave you alone.
  • If you come across a spider during the night and don’t want to kill it, try leaving it in your shoe. You are bound to remember in the morning and can set it on it’s way rather than disturb your sleep, especially if it has a red part on it’s back.
  • If you come across a scorpion, to keep it entertained poke its face with your fingers, they like in a similar way to dogs liking you patting them on the head.
  • Fuel stations are plentiful in the outback, don’t worry about topping your tank up or carrying a jerry can, that’s for losers.
  • Turn your air conditioning up to maximum constantly to help with fuel consumption as well as keep you cool!
  • If you can’t afford a vehicle to get across, feel free to walk or cycle, Australia is only 2480 miles wide afterall.
  • Carrying water is the least important thing, your body is 65% water, so you don’t need anymore.
  • Make sure to not wear a hat or sunblock, a tan will make you more attractive to members of the opposite sex and UV rays make you happy.
  • If you break down, push your vehicle to a hidden place so it stays out the heat and people can’t see it, otherwise you’ll be embarrassed if someone drives past.
  • Kangaroo’s really do like boxing and never cheat by kicking you with their feet, feel free to spar with one, especially if they are a mother with a joey in their pouch.
  • Bring plenty of alcohol to assist your driving; it makes you more confident and quicker, it is best to do this with a partner, so when you sober up, you can swap seats and start drinking again.
  • Don’t worry about taking insect repellant, insects don’t like being out in the heat and prefer to stay in the cities.
  • To save money, don’t stock up before you leave, it’s cheaper to buy things in the outback as they don’t have so many customers there, so they lower prices to attract customers.
  • Make sure you disengage all guages in your vehicle, these increase fuel consumption so stop you going as far, why do you need to monitor engine temperature anyway?
  • If you are carrying a surfboard, put it on the outside of your vehicle when driving, this helps global warming by decreasing your aerodynamics and increasing your fuel consumption and therefore you get to ride better waves in the future and it looks cool too.
  • You’ll almost never get into a emergency situation, therefore to save laden weight don’t bring a toolkit, spare wheel or knife with you.

Any more bad tips please leave them in the comments below :-) It should go without saying I don’t advise people follow these tips and take no responsibility for you doing so! However if you do want someone to take responsibility for your bad driving habits, then get some car insurance for your time in Australia.

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Blakesjourney December 8, 2009 at 2:24 PM

HA! this is a great post. It laughs in the face of all generic ‘list’ blogs!! lol Freaking hilarious. The sad part is, I actually believed them to be true until the fourth one down. HEHE HE.

-Always feed the bears.

blakesjourney / tBD
.-= Blakesjourney´s last blog – Spain Songs: 50 Glass Bottles =-.


Candice December 8, 2009 at 6:14 PM

LOL, I read the first three ones and thought you were being serious. I hope to never poke a scorpion in the face.
.-= Candice´s last blog – How to Deal With a Travel Snob =-.


Alex December 8, 2009 at 11:09 PM

If you see some aborigines appease them with tobacco and booze.
.-= Alex´s last blog – malaysia one more time =-.


AdventureRob December 9, 2009 at 4:14 AM

Many e-mails has been passed sending similar bits of advice, just themed this one to my current situation :-D
.-= AdventureRob´s last blog – Why I don’t like Perth =-.


Vi December 9, 2009 at 8:33 AM

:D You definitely must follow these rules to survive in Australian outback :)
.-= Vi´s last blog – Trip planning. Check public holidays =-.


Chris December 9, 2009 at 5:06 PM

Your advices are the best ever!
I would add:
-It is best advice to surf in places where there is no lifeguard as the surf is better there
– if you see a jellyfish remember to take it ashore as people here like to step on them
– when you swim, always carry with you a bag of dead bloody fishes, it is very important to have something to eat in case you get lost.


Earl December 9, 2009 at 9:56 PM

Funny stuff.
– When taking a dip in a swimming hole, make sure it is one full of crocodiles as they enjoy swimming with humans and will go out of their way to protect you from other animals
.-= Earl´s last blog – From Worthless Bum to Long-Jump Champion =-.


AdventureRob December 10, 2009 at 9:05 AM

Good tips guys! Keep them coming :-D


Matt December 16, 2009 at 8:58 AM

When traveling across the Outback, don’t forget to wear your shirt which reads, “Kiwis are better than Aussies,” as the locals will certainly agree.


Tanning Beds March 17, 2010 at 1:28 PM

HaHa nice article! It was perfect for a morning laugh, just what I needed to start the day. I thought you were being serious at first LoL I am definitely going to forward this around the office, thanks!


AdventureRob March 19, 2010 at 3:13 AM

Matt – Brilliant!

Tanning Beds – if that is your real name – thanks for comment :-)
.-= AdventureRob´s last blog – AC/DC Live in Sydney =-.


skornik-security March 24, 2010 at 9:17 AM

I’m actualy going on a trip in Australia next week.
This post was fun after all the research i had to do.


AdventureRob March 25, 2010 at 12:01 AM

Glad you liked it n_n


FunTarifa April 28, 2010 at 10:50 AM

Really nice trip, i’m wondering if next year i can travel to Australia.
Thank you for the funny post.


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