How Not to Travel Across the Outback

Pull a wheelie in your car to uppercut the Kangaroo

Here are some tips for getting yourself across Australia in an unsafe and stupid manner:

• Kangaroo’s are only active during the day, so to avoid hitting one, it’s best to only drive at night, dusk and dawn.
• If you come across a snake (Australia has all 10 of the worlds most poisonous) stamp your feet either side of it’s head, this has a calming effect on the snake, and it’ll leave you alone.
• If you come across a spider during the night and don’t want to kill it, try leaving it in your shoe. You are bound to remember in the morning and can set it on it’s way rather than disturb your sleep, especially if it has a red part on it’s back.
• If you come across a scorpion, to keep it entertained poke its face with your fingers, they like in a similar way to dogs liking you patting them on the head.
• Fuel stations are plentiful in the outback, don’t worry about topping your tank up or carrying a jerry can, that’s for losers.
• Turn your air conditioning up to maximum constantly to help with fuel consumption as well as keep you cool!
• If you can’t afford a vehicle to get across, feel free to walk or cycle, Australia is only 2480 miles wide afterall.
• Carrying water is the least important thing, your body is 65% water, so you don’t need anymore.
• Make sure to not wear a hat or sunblock, a tan will make you more attractive to members of the opposite sex and UV rays make you happy.
• If you break down, push your vehicle to a hidden place so it stays out the heat and people can’t see it, otherwise you’ll be embarrassed if someone drives past.
• Kangaroo’s really do like boxing and never cheat by kicking you with their feet, feel free to spar with one, especially if they are a mother with a joey in their pouch.
• Bring plenty of alcohol to assist your driving; it makes you more confident and quicker, it is best to do this with a partner, so when you sober up, you can swap seats and start drinking again.
• Don’t worry about taking insect repellant, insects don’t like being out in the heat and prefer to stay in the cities.
• To save money, don’t stock up before you leave, it’s cheaper to buy things in the outback as they don’t have so many customers there, so they lower prices to attract customers.
• Make sure you disengage all guages in your vehicle, these increase fuel consumption so stop you going as far, why do you need to monitor engine temperature anyway?
• If you are carrying a surfboard, put it on the outside of your vehicle when driving, this helps global warming by decreasing your aerodynamics and increasing your fuel consumption and therefore you get to ride better waves in the future and it looks cool too.
• You’ll almost never get into a emergency situation, therefore to save laden weight don’t bring a toolkit, spare wheel or knife with you.

For those seeking advice on legal matters, especially when it comes to responsible and safe driving practices, it’s essential to prioritize safety on the roads. Remember, I strongly discourage any actions that may compromise your well-being or that of others. If you find yourself facing legal issues related to driving, it’s crucial to consult professionals. Speaking of which, if you’re ever in need of legal assistance, consider seeking guidance from experienced professionals, including experts such as drink driving solicitors. Your safety and the safety of others on the road should always be the top priority. If you have any questions about legal matters, feel free to ask, and I’ll do my best to provide helpful information.

Tagged as: Australia, Crossing Australia, How to not travel, Outback, Stupid tips, Travel